Twelve years of dedicated mindfulness practice have helped me gain firm control over my emotions, fostering a calmness that persists even when stronger responses would be expected. While mindfulness practice has proven favorable for many, in my case, persistent introspection, coupled with my profession affording me a front-row seat to ample suffering, worsened my anxiety.
During my atheist years in my late teens and early twenties, I believed that only simple or unintelligent people could have faith in a god. This belief dissolved when I encountered thoughtful and intelligent theists who didn’t fit my stereotypes.
Faith appears to be more closely tied to culture and emotion than intelligence. In a typical religious gathering, there is a noticeable degree of cultural homogeneity—with attendees sharing similar backgrounds and lifestyles— and visible emotional responses to the ceremonies.
In contrast, my experience in such ceremonies is marked by calmness, mild intrigue, isolation, and sometimes indifference. Obviously, subdued emotions and anxiety aren't conducive to nurturing a robust faith.
In Romans 9:18, Paul appears to suggest that God can choose to 'harden' an individual's heart, leading them away from faith. From the scientific standpoint, respected neurobiologists like Robert Sapolsky have argued that free will is an illusion, and our actions are predetermined by a complex interplay of biological, psychological, and socio-cultural factors.
How much control do we really have over how and what we believe?
I’m done fixating on matters beyond my control. I’m done trying to solve questions that lack definitive answers, which can neither be proven nor disproven. Essentially, I have three options for answerable questions: believe, reject, or agnosticism.
I will instead focus on what I can control, like my career, creative pursuits, and helping others. The Buddha made a poignant observation in this regard. In the Anguttara Nikaya 4:77, he discouraged delving into questions about the precise origins of the universe, as such inquiries could lead to ‘madness.’
I’d rather not go mad.